1. Thou Shalt Not Sit Where I Sit

If my tail has graced it, if my fur has coated it, or if my soul has napped upon it—it’s mine. Should a human dare claim the throne (i.e., the warm laundry pile), they shall be judged silently from across the room… and then shunned until snack tribute is presented.

2. Feast Before Fuss

The humans may desire “cuddles” or “connection.” But if kibble hath not been dispensed, they shall receive only my frosty glare and the thud of a dismissive tail.

3. The Door Shall Remain Perpetually In Flux

Open it. Then close it. Then open it again. Do not question the pattern. Do not ask what I truly want. I want possibility, not commitment.

4. All 3 a.m. Zoomies Are Sacred

When the moon calls to me in feline Morse code and my claws clack against hardwood in ritual frenzy, the humans shall not interfere. They shall instead appreciate my athleticism and wild, untamed grace.

5. My Meow Means ALL Things

It may mean “feed me,” or “praise me,” or “clean up your emotional mess.” Interpretive skills are expected. Failure to decode correctly may result in a cold shoulder or sudden pounce.

6. Guests Shall Be Vetted and Possibly Swatted

Intruders (guests) must pass the Royal Sniff Test. If they fail or speak ill of my chosen humans, the Royal Paw may strike swiftly. I am judge, jury, and nap-enforcer.

7. Drama Is Essential

If knocked to the ground, I shall not simply walk away. I shall stare in disbelief. I shall mourn. I shall make operatic cries until a formal apology (and Churu) is offered.