Some kids plan heists.

James? He plans hygiene…with the chaotic grace of a toddler on a solo mission.

It was a regular afternoon. The house hummed with casual disorder. Jack was locked into his video game. Mom blinked for one second. And in that moment—James struck.

No words. No warning. Just the unmistakable scrape of plastic against hardwood: the step stool, dragged with gravitas across the hallway like he was rolling out the red carpet of rebellion.

He climbed with the elegance of a raccoon wearing ballet slippers. He activated the sink like he’d cracked a security code.

Then he assumed the position:

Three feet tall. Stance wide. Elbows out like a toothpaste-slinging champion. His toothbrush in hand, foaming like it owed him money.

The bathroom? Wrecked.

Soggy towels draped over mystery puddles. A trail of dental carnage. Foam splatter on the mirror like modern art.

And James? Silent. Focused. Radiating the energy of someone who believes plaque is the enemy and chaos is the answer.

No one told him to brush. No one supervised. But there he was—brushing with purpose.

Was the toothbrush upside down? Yes.

Was the paste mostly on his shirt? Absolutely.

Did he look like he’d just completed a Navy SEAL mission called Operation: Oral Hygiene?

Without a doubt.

All was quiet. Too quiet.

Which meant, of course—he was thriving.

I’d just finished folding laundry and dared to believe I’d earned two minutes of peace. Then I rounded the corner and saw it: the sink spraying like a fire hydrant, damp toilet paper clinging to the walls, and James—foam-faced, wide-eyed, triumphant.

“WHAT…what is happening?” I half-whispered, half-pleaded.

He turned slowly, glowing like he’d ascended a developmental staircase, and said, “I brushed myself.”

I just stared, trying to decide whether to clap, cry, or alert NASA. Toothpaste dripped. Towels sagged. He grinned like chaos was a virtue.

And then…I backed away.

“I’ll clean it later,” I whispered to no one. Because this was hygiene. Unsupervised. Unapologetic. And at least no one was bleeding.