Month: March 2026
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The Perfect Thrones for Judging the Humansby Her Majesty Pookie, Calico Monarch of Moral Superiority and Soft Surfaces Not all seating is created equal.Some thrones offer softness but lack altitude.Others offer elevation but expose one to toddler chaos and Pop-Tart shrapnel.To judge the humans properly, one must choose location, texture, and symbolism with grace and…
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Featuring Tequila (Right), Little Tequila (Left), and One Very Overworked Toddler King James climbed onto the bed with the gravitas of a man about to deliver a State of the Union address. He surveyed his plush council. He inhaled deeply. He exhaled like a disappointed CEO. James: “Ladies… gentlemen… stuffed citizens… we have a crisis.”…
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It was supposed to be a peaceful evening. I was sprawled across the ottoman like a Roman emperor in sweatpants, ruling my kingdom of blanket, Cheez-It crackers within reach, and the glowing screen of Floor Is Lava blasting at full volume. The contestants screamed, the lava bubbled, and I was content. But then—something shifted. The…
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—James, Age 3, Discoverer of Forbidden Textures He says it like he’s returning from a quest.Like he crossed the Great Carpet Plains, braved the Perils of the Playroom, and bartered with a mysterious merchant named “Target.” He stands before you, palms shimmering with cosmic goo, eyes wide with the knowledge that life will never be…
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The Great Pink Chariot was idling on the driveway, and I, James the Brave (and fully trained in the ways of the porcelain throne, thank you very much), was ready to survey my kingdom. Mom was at the helm. She was wearing her “I’m doing my best” face and a pair of flip-flops that went…
