Category: Christmas
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I sensed treachery the moment I descended the stairs. The humans were buzzing, squealing, adjusting their ridiculous matching pajamas, and there you were — my human — holding a camera like you were about to capture the birth of a new dynasty. Naturally, I assumed the dynasty was me. Imagine my horror when you lifted…
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By Jack Okay, so here’s what happened. It was Christmas morning and we were already, like, twelve presents deep. Wrapping paper everywhere. Mom looked like she was running a marathon in the living room. James was yelling about something that sounded like “BLOCKS! BLOCKS! BLOCKS!” because Santa gave him more magnetic tiles. Which was awesome……
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I am very busy. Like, important‑meeting‑with‑the‑CEO busy. My trucks — all of them, every vehicle I own, from the loud ones to the fast ones to the ones that just look cool when you squint — are being lined up across the kitchen floor and into the playroom. This is not chaos. This is strategy.…
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Grandpa and I were standing in front of the Christmas tree, looking like we were about to film a holiday commercial for “Chaos & Sons.” The lights were twinkling, the presents were stacked like a small mountain range, and Grandpa had that look — the one where he’s pretending he’s in charge. He leaned down…
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Listen. I know what they say about me. “Elfie’s been real B‑A‑D this year.”“Elfie’s out of control.”“Elfie needs to calm down before Santa puts him on a performance improvement plan.” And to that I say: Correct. Because I, Elfie J. McSparkle, am not here to sit politely on a shelf like some kind of decorative…
