Category: General
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It was supposed to be a peaceful evening. I was sprawled across the ottoman like a Roman emperor in sweatpants, ruling my kingdom of blanket, Cheez-It crackers within reach, and the glowing screen of Floor Is Lava blasting at full volume. The contestants screamed, the lava bubbled, and I was content. But then—something shifted. The…
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—James, Age 3, Discoverer of Forbidden Textures He says it like he’s returning from a quest.Like he crossed the Great Carpet Plains, braved the Perils of the Playroom, and bartered with a mysterious merchant named “Target.” He stands before you, palms shimmering with cosmic goo, eyes wide with the knowledge that life will never be…
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The Great Pink Chariot was idling on the driveway, and I, James the Brave (and fully trained in the ways of the porcelain throne, thank you very much), was ready to survey my kingdom. Mom was at the helm. She was wearing her “I’m doing my best” face and a pair of flip-flops that went…
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I ascend my mother. Not metaphorically. Literally. I climb her like a weary mountain explorer scaling Everest, except I am wearing dinosaur pajamas and carrying a candy cane that drips with the sticky promise of chaos. I settle into the sacred nook between her shoulder and her head — the throne of kings, the cradle…
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To the Keepers of the Hot Glue Guns and the Architects of Parental Peril: Stop. Put the felt down. Step away from the “Small-Batch Artisanal Moss.” We are standing on the precipice of a sensory-overload-induced breakdown. What started as a benign fat man in a red suit has mutated into a year-round, high-stakes theatrical production.…
