📓 The Royal Pookie Journal, Volume VII: Lessons from the Throne
authored by Pookie, Calico Sovereign and Reluctant Life Coach
Entry #732: My Impact on the Lower Beings
Today, as I perched regally upon the back of the couch (my throne), surveying the chaos of my human domain, I felt reflective. Soft piano music played. A candle burned unnecessarily. The toddler was attempting to wear two pairs of pants at once.
I sighed. Deep. Dramatic. Poetic.
They owe everything to me.
Let it be recorded in the sacred archives that I, Pookie—feline monarch, mood ring incarnate, lady of the mysterious midnight zoomies—have taught these humans everything of value.
🧠 Lesson One: Silence Is Power
When I want food, I simply sit. Stare. Breathe meaningfully. No screeches. No drama. Just quiet intimidation. I am the master of passive aggression. They, in turn, have learned that silence can say “I love you,” “I’m disgusted,” and “You left the laundry in the washer again.”
🍽️ Lesson Two: Eat First. Ask Questions Never.
If it hits the floor, it belongs to me. If it’s in your bowl, I want it. I’ve trained them to accept that dinner is not served—it is shared, sometimes by force. You haven’t lived until you’ve stolen a nugget mid-meltdown.
👑 Lesson Three: Boundaries Are Optional
Is the bathroom door closed? Intriguing.
Are you hiding from the children? Not on my watch.
My lesson is clear: I go where I please. Permission is a human construct.
🛋️ Lesson Four: Comfort Above All
I have 17 nap stations and a blanket rotation worthy of a Bed Bath & Beyond throne room. Now they, too, understand that pajamas can be formal wear and couch crumbs are the signature of a life well-lived.
📚 Lesson Five: Judge With Your Eyes, Not Your Words
I don’t speak. I squint. I cock my head. I give a look that says, “You chose chaos again, huh?” They’re learning to communicate in glances and sighs. I’m fluent in disappointment. So is Ashley now.
💅 Lesson Six: Never Work at Full Capacity When You Could Be Lying Down
Why exert maximum effort? Why reply to emails when you could be nestled in a basket glaring at sunlight? I taught them leisure. Laziness. Louche luxury, darling.
And finally—
💖 Lesson Seven: Love Doesn’t Need Applause
I lick the toddler’s forehead when no one’s watching. I sit next to Jack when he reads. I rest my paw on Ashley’s laptop during breakdown number seven.
I am subtle. I am soulful. I love quietly. Fiercely. Royally.
Tomorrow, I shall knock over a vase to keep them humble. But tonight, I reign.
Signed with a paw smudge and a loose whisker,
Pookie, Keeper of Chaos and Guardian of the Glitter Lamp
